Hello!
On Saturday, waifu came over to my house! She left yesterday (Thursday). Surprisingly I wasn't very stressed before she arrived, because mom and I went shopping for underwear (I found very pretty bras and panties LOL) and then we went to the supermarket to buy food. Thanks to that, I wasn't overthinking and I was doing something so I wasn't stressed. Then we went to pick her up at the train station, and when I saw her I was a little bit stressed. We got home, and drank cold drinks because it was very hot outside （x_x；） Then we went into my room and talked (and I stopped being stressed) and after a while, we watched anime in bed on my laptop. At night, we were searching for a good comedy anime or a good and fun K-drama but we couldn't find anything, so we watched a movie with Jang Geun Seok about him taking care of a baby LOL. We were tired so we didn't finish it though, we went to sleep instead. She slept next to me hehe c: Apparently, I kicked her a lot every night and she had bruises LOL.

On Sunday, we woke up and played with my plushies LOL (she's as dumb as me) then I kind of forgot what we did, I think we pretty much did nothing except dumb stuff. During the afternoon, we wanted to go to the pet shop but it was closed (my mom told us it was open but she was wrong, sighs) so instead we went to McDonald's and ate ice cream. Then we got home. On Sunday night, we took retarded pictures because waifu wanted to use one for her skype profile picture and omfg I had so much fun fuohgfogy even though we were just being really dumb hAHAHA ≧(´▽｀)≦

On Monday, we went to the amusement park/zoo! It was so fun and great omg!!













There are other pictures on my Instagram!

On Tuesday, we went shopping. There's the supermarket next to my house and a few clothing shops, and some shops which sell shoes as well. I bought 2 nail polishes c:

On Wednesday, waifu helped me dye my hair (it was my first time doing it)! Here's a pic of what it looks like now :



After that, we took the bus and went shopping~ We didn't buy anything because we had no money and there wasn't anything good. The only thing I wanted to buy was a red bag, and I think I'll buy it next month! (｡♥‿♥｡) After that, we went to the hospital because my dad finished work at 6pm so he took us home. (A few hours ago, he told me one of his colleagues said I was really pretty omg that made me so so so happy (*´∀`*))
We spent our last evening together doing nothing hehe
Then on Friday, she got ready to leave and my mom and I took her to the train station, and she went home~ I already missed her after an hour :c

Yesterday, I had a horrible evening LOL I even cried. My dad invited some friends over for dinner, and I just. There were a lot of bugs outside so I started panicking and I had to socialize and take care of the kids. And then this little girl asked me if she could play with me in my room and I sort of ran away because I'm really really bad with kids and I locked myself in my room and I was panicking and I started feeling really sick and dizzy and I was crying idek it was horrible. I don't dislike this little girl or anything (she was really cute :-( ) but I felt so sick and I was so stressed and I don't even know what happened I just kind of lost it ╥﹏╥ I feel really stupid and guilty now :c At some point I lay on my bed and I fll asleep LOL I woke up this morning and realized I was slept and I was still wearing my dress...

Today was pretty nice though. I felt very bad because of my crush and I feel like they might dislike me and I feel so annoying and boring sighs. I just wanna give up on them but I can't do that because I also sort of don't want to give up LOL It's so weird. I also started panicking and crying because I realized that I have less than two weeks of holidays left and I just realized that I'm really scared of going to school because of what happened last year. I don't even know how to explain it, I feel so scared and I feel like no matter what, nothing good will ever happen to me there and that this school year is gonna be as bad as last year, if not worse ╥﹏╥ I was feeling really stressed and sick but I felt a bit better after showering. I really think I should leave the internet though, but I can't do it because I'm too addicted and I literally have no friends to hang out with irl, so I wouldn't have anything to do if I did that :c
In the evening, I went to my grandma's home because my aunt and uncle are staying there for a while (they live 5 hours away from our town). It was pretty nice, though my grandma was just her usual self, telling me how "I've become a little bit pretty but I'd be 50x prettier if I had short hair" and stuff like that LOL.

Um yeah that's pretty much it, I just wanted to write about the days I spent with waifu because I tend to forget hings easily LOL
Have a picture of Moustache's cuteness to reward you if you read all of this uninteresting crap~



Bye bye!! Chu （*＾3＾）/～☆

I just realized something.
Every time I try to do something, I always give up because I feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm scared that people will make fun of me because I suck at it. But it's just normal, since I've just started. But I still give up because I can't stand being bad at it. I'll never get better if I don't do my best and keep trying though.

And I think I know where this lack of confidence comes from. No. I don't think I know, I'm SURE I know. I think it's because of my mom. I'm not trying to blame her or anything, I love her, and I know that she worries a lot about me. But every time I do something, she always tell me what's bad about it. I never get compliments irl. Maybe I'm just fishing for compliments (if that's how you say it), but that's because no one ever compliments me. It's like I'm doing all of that for nothing.
I'm well aware that there won't always be someone with me, to tell me "you can do it!", "you're not that bad, you'll become way better if you keep trying!". But I really NEED to hear it because I lack self confidence. Anyway, back to what I was saying.

If you're reading this entry, you probably know what my mental state was like, a few months ago. I was really, really depressed; I cried every evening after I got home. I still kept going to school, even when it was too hard for me to go. I remember that there was an afternoon (on a Friday), it was like 1pm (so the 1st class after lunch) and I wanted to go home so, so badly. I almost cried in school because I just couldn't take it anymore. This place was literally destroying me a little bit more during each second I spent there. But I didn't leave. I stayed until my classes ended. Until I could go home. It was so hard, but I did it. Anyway. My average on the first term was 13.79/20. 14.57 on term 2. And on term 2, 15.47. I got better, even though I also had to deal with the pain of being at school. So I told my mom, and I was really proud of myself. Now do you want to know what she told me? Of course, she was well aware that I cried for the whole evening, every day, since I cried in front of my parents. But she still told me :
"Oh, that's good. But if you had worked, even a little, it'd have been better, you know. You could have done so much better but you chose not to do anything. That's such a waste." We talked about that for 1 or 2 hours, and she kept talking about how I wasn't working. I'm actually smart I guess, I mean I get really good grades without working at all. And she kept talking about how I was wasting it all. Then she started comparing me to my brother, who was smart too and didn't work at all, and he had to repeat a year. And he ended up with a job he doesn't even like, and now he really regrets it and he's unhappy. And I was like, mom, I'm not my brother, seriously. I don't work because school is too easy and it's not interesting enough. And I was too depressed to even think about studying, seriously. I don't know if she understands how hard it was for me to keep going to school like that, and I still managed to get better. But she didn't even properly praise me or anything. And it made me feel like shit, I swear.

So yeah. I think she wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong so that I could do better next time, but she doesn't understand that when you only tell someone the bad stuff about what they do, they'll just give up. It'll make them lose their motivation. And I really think that's why I am like this, I mean, when you try and you don't get anything, no one even praises you, at some point you just stop trying because what's the point?

Basically I just needed to write this down and now I'm done. It was probably messy and uninteresting but yep c':

Hi everyone! (●⌒∇⌒●)

I went shopping yesterday (my mom got up at 4:30pm lol we went out at 6pm) and here's the playsuit I bought!



As you can see, I also bought a waistcoat or whatever you call it. (ᅌᴗᅌ* )

Then I went out to buy mascara since mine was empty. I took a picture of my neighbor's tree lolol



Anyway, I hope you guys all enjoy your day! I don't have any plans today either so I'm just gonna sit and watch anime or whatever (I should study but (´д｀))
Bye bye （●´∀｀）ノ♡

Today was the first time I ever wanted to skip school. I mean, there are times where I wanted to leave, but I didn't because I sort of felt like staying, in a way. But today was different. I wanted to go away. To just skip. But I didn't, knowing that I'd get scolded and the thought of the people there talking about me being absent and maybe thinking I was depressed. And maybe they'd have asked me why I left. So I stayed, even though it was so hard for me.
But I don't know what the situation will be in a few weeks. I'm really afraid I might start skipping school. I've never felt so bad.
I argued with someone I've been with since the beginning of the school year, because she was always belittling me. I'm already really depressed, and what she was telling me was just making me feel worse, so much that I was crying every evening when I arrived at home. She was always telling me "you don't eat enough", "you're so skinny", "you so picky", "you always rant", but this is nothing compared to what she told me on Tuesday (4 days ago). Her bus driver died, so she told me "I'm gonna cry in the bus :(:(:(" to which I replied a sort of "roooh". I meant it like "don't cry, it'll be fine, you can't help it, everyone dies someday etcetc", like, to make her feel better. But guess what she told me. "Well it's not because you're insensible and don't have any feelings that I have to be like you! I wasn't even talking to you there are other people here why are you even replying just shut up!" ...That was the last straw that broke the camel's back. I got so mad at her I almost cried. I mean, imagine you're so fucking depressed and the other person KNOWS it and they know you're seeing a psychologist every fucking week and you've even CRIED in front of them (which is something I never do) and they just go and tell you you don't have feelings? I'M SORRY? Seriously I just can't. When I think about it, I can't stop crying.
I feel like she hasn't even tried to understand who I am. Like she doesn't even care. And I know she doesn't. On Wednesday, I told her about how I felt. She never replied to my text. But the best part is coming. On Tuesday. She talked to me as if I hadn't even sent that text. And in German class, she did the worst thing ever she could have done to me. She cried. I had to go out of the room to fucking make her feel better. Thanks, teacher. And guess what she told me? "What you told me yesterday really made me feel depressed". I'm sorry? What about my feelings? Don't fucking act like you're the victim here! Since the beginning of the school year I've been putting up with it, crying everyday and stuff but she acts like I'm the bad one and she's the victim? I'm sorry???? No seriously. No. I'm so done.
I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't even find the words to explain what I'm feeling. I have felt really bad before, like a few years ago, because of my classmates, but I've never felt THIS bad. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I'm just... desperate.

Went to the pet store to take a look at the bunnies and omg they're so cute I don't even!!!!
I really want a bunny omg but they're expensive?? Like the cheapest bunny is 28€ and you have to buy all the stuff like food, a cage and etc orz ;3;
But bunniesss

I think they don't know how hard it is to suck at everything...
Like, I can't like anything I do. I suck at theater, music, sports, studying (I get good grades but I don't study, it's what you'd call "talent" (though I only see it as a good ability to memorize and understand things)), but I hate all of these. I love singing but I suck at it. I want to sing well but I can't... because I give up so easily. I suck at everything so I have no self confidence. I have no self confidence so I always give up.
The only thing I'm good at is English. It's the only think that makes me feel a little less like a failure and that can give me more self confidence. They're better than me at EVERYTHING ELSE. But I'm the bitch. Does that sound legit to you?
All my life I've been belittled for sucking at PE. When I went skiing, everyone was shocked and thought I'd fail. Do you know how it hurt my pride when they said that? But I just laughed it off because it's true anyway. I suck at sports and I hate it. I finally have something I can be the best at, in my class obviously. Something I can beat them at. But no. I'm still being criticized. I don't know what to do anymore. Is it my fault for according importance to my pride? Am I guilty for wanting to be better than others at something?

And this had to happen just when I thought it was ok. Just when I thought school was gonna be ok. Whenever I start thinking things will be fine, something always happen to make me feel so depressed. It's like I'm in a hole and I almost got out of it but then someone pushes me back in it, over and over and over again. I just can't, seriously...

No I'm not ok. But I can't always tell everyone I'm depressed and all. I'm annoying. Me being depressed is annoying. Me being myself is annoying. Everything in me is annoying.
I get it already. But no one gets who I truly am, well it's normal since no one even tried to do that. I got in an argument with my classmates. And the one who got the blame was me. I was trying to help one of them but I ended up being criticized instead. For something I didn't think. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of these people. Gonna explain what happened before I forget it. Gotta remember everything, as shitty as it may be.
So yeah. End of math class. One of my pal came to our table saying "wow I got a 7.5/10 it's so shit" while another one of my pal, who was next to me, had the same mark. Do you fucking realize how insulting it is? I mean we all have our pride. So I stood for her, saying that "it's a good grade and it hurts when you're next to the one saying that and you have the same grade." I said we all have a pride and it's fucking mean to say that. But no. Another one of my pals took her side. She said "well when you think you're gonna have a better mark and you get this of course you're sad and you complain!!! Plus it's personal, she's not criticizing others!!" So like I took an example "it's like when I got 19.5/20 at my English test. Imagine I thought I was gonna have 20 and I told you "wow I got 19.5 this is shit I'm so sad it sucksssss" while you have less." and she fucking said that I ALWAYS say that. I don't even think that.
Seriously, I speak English as often as I speak French. It's sorta LEGIT that I'd get a better mark than them who only learn it by heart and never use it lol. Plus our classes are REALLY easy, I learnt that 3 years ago so... And I don't even think that. If I wasn't speaking English as often as I am, I'd get around the same marks as them. I'm nothing special, just used to speaking English and I just love this language. But yeah always happy to have people thinking like that. I never even complained about my marks. They ask me what I got, I tell them I got like 19.5, 20, 18 idk w/e I got but nothing less, nothing more.
She already said that to me when I got less. I can tell you it hurts as fuck when you hear someone complain about their mark when they're way better than yours. Especially me, who gives a lot of importance to pride. But no, I have to be considerate (and I try to be as much as I can) but they aren't and it's my fault?? Seriously. What hurts the most is that the one I defended didn't say anything. She just remained silent.
But yeah I know it's my fault. Sorry for having a pride. Sorry for trying to be as considerate as I can. Sorry for not being obsessed with school work and grades. Sorry for being me. Sorry for breathing. Sorry for existing.

Hi!

Wow, I have been totally neglecting my DW, haven't I? The last post I made was me ranting about school and stuff because I couldn't take it in. I'm not gonna do that in this one because well... I can't do that in every single post!

So yeah I'm in a pretty good mood today. No particular reason. My bro will be coming to help me revise my math because I have a 2 hours long test next week and I don't get anything at all o(╥﹏╥)o So yeah event though I don't want to work AT ALL because it's Sunday and it's the week end and I'd like to forget about school... Well it has to be done so the sooner the better, I guess!
Anyway. I ordered my BB Cream yesterday (I've been using it for a year approximately and I really like it, as my skin is really pale I have troubles buying creams in France because most of people here have a tan and just a darker skin). Pretty happy about how much I paid (around $14 with the shipping fees). Mom also won 120€ at the lottery (something like $163) so yeahh. Tbh we were having some troubles with money this month because lots of things to pay (my school trip to Greece, a new freezer since the old one broke, my dad's birthday present and some other stuff). Also I listened to all the ViViD songs yesterday (I'm still doing that though) and like it had been so long, all the memories came back to me! Like when I was on that ViViD french forum and met June, Ga-yi, Alice and other friends (I stopped talking to most of them though for some reasons but I'm not gonna talk about it here) and like when I went to their like at the Japan Expo in Paris with some of my friends arhhhh it was just really good?? I felt so happy on that day ide
So well yeah this week end is GOOD! It's allowing me to forget all the shit that happened last week so... :D

Also, tomorrow, I'll go skiing with my class! Like our PE teacher is taking us there（＾ω＾）I'm a bit stressed about it though as I only went skiing once and it was 5 years ago and... I kept falling and in a whole week I didn't even manage to ski properly LOL But yeah apparently most of my classmates are beginners too so we'll see! I hope I have fun on that day because we don't really get along (and I don't like them much) oops

Anyway I think I've run out of (pointless) things to say so... Bye everyone!
I love you all ok! (o´ω`o)ﾉ♡

My school organizes a trip to Greece. It's for those who are learning Latin or Greek or those who learned one of those languages in middle school, but since there are some places left, those who don't know those languages can go. So I asked the teacher since my classmate told me about it and begged me to go, and I've been wanting to visit Greece for years. So idk if I'll be able to go but I might know it tomorrow. So then my classmate told me we should be together in the room but it is for 3 or 4 people and we're 2 so we have a problem. Then the bullied girl asked me if she could be in our room since she's alone and so I asked my classmate about it. She said that she didn't want bc she'd be following us around lol... So that's where the problem is. Idk what to do at all. I have to be with my classmate since we spend more time together but I just don't want to leave the other girl alone... And my classmate telling me "she'd be a bother, she'd follow us around every time" seriously made me want to puke... people said that about me countless time so I can't stand someone saying that abt one of my classmate, especially when the girl is as nice as her :/
Plus imo, a school trip is made for students to have fun so leaving someone out like that is really dumb idk :/ And we won't stay in the room for too long plus even if she follows us all day long I mean where's the problem as we say, the more the merrier! I know that if I turn her down I'll regret it all my life and I'll hate myself for that but I don't want to leave my classmate alone either :/. I just don't want to leave people out, especially for a school trip. I wish my classmates were a slightly bit more mature because well yeah. Plus it'd be a great opportunity for us to get to know each other and it might be pretty nice, who knows? Also since the rooms are for 3-4 people there's a high chance they'll put us together anyway since we're in the same class and she'd be alone and we'd be 2 people. I just don't know what to do at all and I'm so stressed about this.
Well I might be bothering too much since I'm not sure if they'll let me go or not so yeah... I'm just scared that if I go, there'll be problems and the trip will be as shitty as the other ones I did :/ There's also the fact that I don't know whether I can handle sharing a room with her + being with her all day long for 12 days since she's pretty annoying and boring and just fifhgisf :/

Also I've been feeling rly lonely and I rly want to go back to last year. I had 2 really good friends and well I rarely see one of them and I argued with the other one so yeah. I rly miss the time we spent together and all my classmates (more like the ppl I talk to) are just rly dumb and don't know how to have fun, they just study and all :c I really want to go back to that time, so much that I want to cry :c I feel like no one understands me in my class and I know I can't be good friends with anyone since the fun ppl won't talk to me and the boring ones like me but yeah they're just boring and often annoying :c I want to cry seriously I can't stop being depressed...

I'm becoming weaker and weaker everyday. I wonder when did I become that depressed. I don't even know how to think in a positive way anymore. I'm scared. I can't even cry. I don't even know what I'm doing.