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I've decided though. I'm not gonna annoy anyone with this anymore. DW will be the only place I'll tell about my sufferings. I've already been hated enough and worried enough people with my shitty problems that no one really wants to hear. And I need to get stronger. So yeah, mom won't have to tell me I'm annoying anymore. Good, right? Yeah. I can cry by myself, it's not like a shoulder would make a big difference anyway. I'm already alone irl because no one understands me, or should I say no one tries. Like yeah... I'm hard to understand and I don't open up much. But at least don't say I'm thinking bad things or being inconsiderate when I don't think that way at all. Sure I'm an egoistic person but I try to do my best to be considerate and help others. I'm putting efforts into it but it still isn't enough for people. But I don't want to be a bitch either. So I have two options :
- either I keep saying what I think regardless of what they're saying behind my back (oh I know they do, cowards is a word suited for them)
- or I just shut the fuck up and don't open my mouth anymore since apparently I'm a bitch.
I might continue being myself. I can't guarantee I'll keep thinking that way once they hurt me more than they've already done. Let's see how they do it.
Well then, let's leave it at that. I'm gonna become stronger. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt my pride anymore.

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I think they don't know how hard it is to suck at everything...
Like, I can't like anything I do. I suck at theater, music, sports, studying (I get good grades but I don't study, it's what you'd call "talent" (though I only see it as a good ability to memorize and understand things)), but I hate all of these. I love singing but I suck at it. I want to sing well but I can't... because I give up so easily. I suck at everything so I have no self confidence. I have no self confidence so I always give up.
The only thing I'm good at is English. It's the only think that makes me feel a little less like a failure and that can give me more self confidence. They're better than me at EVERYTHING ELSE. But I'm the bitch. Does that sound legit to you?
All my life I've been belittled for sucking at PE. When I went skiing, everyone was shocked and thought I'd fail. Do you know how it hurt my pride when they said that? But I just laughed it off because it's true anyway. I suck at sports and I hate it. I finally have something I can be the best at, in my class obviously. Something I can beat them at. But no. I'm still being criticized. I don't know what to do anymore. Is it my fault for according importance to my pride? Am I guilty for wanting to be better than others at something?

And this had to happen just when I thought it was ok. Just when I thought school was gonna be ok. Whenever I start thinking things will be fine, something always happen to make me feel so depressed. It's like I'm in a hole and I almost got out of it but then someone pushes me back in it, over and over and over again. I just can't, seriously...

ＳＫＩ

Ok before I forget to do it, I'm gonna talk about yesterday. So yeah, as I said on twitter (if someone reading this follows me there you might have seen it), I went skiing yesterday. So um I went with my class and members of... idrk how to say it, you could call it a sort of "student council" except they don't have any authority or whatever. They're basically (voluntary) students, elected by a vote from the other students, who are put in charge of school excursions and stuff. Like they organize trips, like idk a day to Lyon or whatever.

Anyway we went there, we left at 6 am. I was next to a pal in the bus and like we played the Wheel of Fortune (in English) on her cellphone LOL I won twiceee! I had lots of fun :3 Then we arrived at Lélex (in the Jura mountains if you know it) at around 9/9:30 am (I didn't look at what time it was but it should be something like that. We got changed (in the bus LOL we didn't have much space and there were a few guys changing at the same time as girls (not that I care about it)) and then we went to get what we needed (like shoes, and basically the skis LOL). They put us in groups, like the members of the MDL (which is the sort of "student council" I talked about earlier) in the best group with one of my classmates (maybe 2 idk), then there was another group of people who are good at skiing, and then the group of beginners, which is the one I was in, together with 18 other people.

So yeah we started skiing at around 10 and it was hardddd I kept falling and there were too many people so it was hard to get it because we took a long time to just move, plus my back and feet were making me suffer arhhh. So yeah I really sucked at it and I even fell off the platter lift LOL. Then we had lunch and My body really hurt so the teacher told me to stay in the bus but I (veeeeery) rarely go skiing so I wanted to continue. A few people stayed in it though, some because they didn't like it/couldn't do it properly and gave up or some because they hurt themselves :c
So yeah I got back there in the afternoon and I got better!!! Like I could ski without falling and I wasn't falling off the platter lift anymoooore!! And we were just 5 so it was easier to learn.
Then a pal and me wanted to ski one more time while the 3 others went back so we got down once more and I did it properly (it was even rly good apparently) but I fell when I arrived next to the platter lift HAHAHAHA Then I fell off it again (way to go, Sora!). Anyway I got back, we got changed and stuff hehe and then... funny funny time oops like we left and this dude from the MDL was eating crisps, like you know the paprika ones, like the Pringles haha. And he took the box but it was upside down (and open) so it all fell on the bus HAHAHA Another baka person like me .3. We'd have gotten along great hahaha
So yeah we arrived at around 7:45 pm I guess??
Seriously it was a really good day and I enjoyed skiing!! I seriously had lots of fun ;3;